Waiting, waiting and more waiting.

Its just way too early. Ava had me up this morning at 6:30am. I didnt go to bed until almost 12 because I had a friend over for dinner and an indulgent evening in The Bachelorette....and apple turnovers. But I'm up and I even made Ava pancakes with strawberries on them...I on the other hand am eating instant oatmeal...yay. I also need to go to the gym today if I am going to be serious about running the half marathon in November and possibly a 15k in October. I'm up to 3.5 miles right now so I think I can be up to 9 by October.
I haven't heard from the job yet and I hate waiting! Its driving me crazy. I really want this job...and I had a great feeling after I left on the day of my working interview so maybe I just need to calm down.

I have family in town this week at HB, so I will be going to see them either later today and/or tomorrow.

Other than that nothing is going on. I need a J-O-B.

Changes Coming

So for the past year I have been home with Ava. The one year "anniversary" of when I got laid off snuck up on me. I couldnt believe it had been that long! Although the first few months of being confinded at home were tough on me I started to enjoy it and once Ava got a little older and more interactive it became fun and exciting most days. I love getting up and cooking her breakfast and watching her eat it and we have a few daily routines that we do that I and I'm sure her too have become quite accustomed to. But soon I will be going back to work (I think..first they have to offer me the job but I have a good feeling). It will be at a veterinarians office as a Vet Assistant. I did a working interview and really enjoyed it so I am hoping I hear from them soon and am offered the position. I'm really going to miss being home with Ava and all the new and cute things she does on a daily basis though. But at the same time I am looking forward to getting back out in the world and working and doing something that I will really like.

On another note, we decided to leave Marley in Maryland for a few more months. He has a pool up there and someone is home with him most of the time which wouldnt be the case if I go back to work. He seemed to be doing ok other than having eaten something that made him go to the bathroom about 8 times Saturday while we were there for the 4th. Cathy called and said he is back to normal now though and will soon start this medicine that can strengthen (possibly) his rectal muscles so that maybe he will gain a little more control of his bowels. He is on on incontinence medicine also. But over all he is doing ok...we realize he will not get any better. He is just an old dog and is going through the life of a senior citizen. I just hope I have someone to take care of me as good as he is being taken care of now when I am old like that. Hopefully I will do good with Ava and she will be there :-)

The Old Boy

These past few months have been trying to say the LEAST when it comes to our three dogs...well more Marley than anything but having 3 dogs with a 14 months old is no easy feet. Marley has been peeing all over the house and pooping on everything...he has his coughing fits and the poop just comes out and he can't help it. Same with the pee, if he gets excited it just comes out, when he wakes up in the morning and gets up out of his bed, it comes out on the way to go outside. Kenny has been trying to get up with him and take him on a walk to let him empty his bladder on his terms along the road on the mailboxes (he loves to pee on them) but sometimes Kenny doesn't make it up in time. And so many mornings I get up with Ava and come downstairs to the smell of dog poop and its either smeared all over the floor (which I have stopped cleaning all together since its a waste of energy) OR its all over the couch OR its all over his own bed which I have to wash about 4 times a week now. I pray to God to give me the compassion and patience to deal with him because I know he can't help it and he doesn't even know what is happening to him. But some days its so hard! I also feel terrible for Kenny having to watch this happen to his old buddy, Marley has been a part of Kenny's life longer than ME! He has been there for him through all of the good and bad times over the past 13 years, in some instances Marley was all Kenny had. So watching this happen to him, although inevitable, is agonizing for Kenny so I try to keep my cool and be loving and patient and understanding. And also do something I don't think enough people do these days, I try to put myself in Kenny's place. If it was me watching one of the other two dogs (which I consider more mine then Marley because I have known them from the time they were puppies) I would be in pieces and so heartbroken and angry and I know he is feeling all of these things too. So I am trying. Even though I cringe at the thought of any sort of grossness being left behind even after I have cloroxed the spots he messes up. I just feel like poor Ava is going to come across some sort of germ thats going to make her sick or something. I clean up after the messes constantly and do my very best to disinfect every inch of the disaster site but who knows if its enough. So now I feel like am I being a bad parent? But what about being a bad wife if I wanted to get Marley out of the house???? He would never forgive me? I would be so angry if he ever asked that of me. But then Ava has to come first....she is our life now and the dogs really are just dogs right? Its so confusing. But one thing that is nice is Marley went to stay with Kenny's mom for about a month so we can take a quick vacation in June so I will get a break at least for right now. Then hopefully when I get back I will be able to find a job...not that I even want one. I went from feeling like I lost myself and who I was to finding myself and loving every single second of being home with Ava. She is thriving and I believe being able to be home with her is helping her and I both in so many ways. But financially we just can't afford it so I am going to have to find something, even if only part time. But that is ok...we do what we have to right!

Happy Days

I so love spring time...not only does nature come alive but so do I. Especailly after a long, trying winter like I have had this past year. But when the sun starts to warm me up and I can smell the trees breathing I just feel so happy. No other way to explain it. But this time I'm even more happy than I ever thought I would be. When I am outside with Ava and she is waddling around in her big purple hat and laughing at the rocks she is holding and clanking together....I am overwhelmed with so much emotion and happiness that I feel like I might explode, but I usually cry. But a happy cry! I am just so thankful for my little girl and my family. I have an amazing husband and we have a great life (and by that I don't mean things, I mean we have an amazing relationship and we love each other more than words could express and we have fun together and would both do anything for one another and for our little girl). I never could have imgained the love a child could bring to a marriage. Now its like every look we give says "I LOVE YOU" and "I LOVE HER". She has brightened my world in so many ways. I have always been aware of myself and my surroundings and I have always tried to be thankful for my life, but when she came into it, and ever since then, I have been increasingly grateful to God for this blessing. I try to make sure my attitude is always one of grattitude. I know that may sound silly or corny but its TRUE. I live my life thankful, for EVERYTHING. Even when things seem bad...I try to be thankful they aren't worse. I just don't want to spend my life worrying, or letting negative thoughts plague my world. Negativity can over come you and before you know it you are a miserable, "why me" type of person. I refuse to be that way. I want to leave this world knowing that I embraced my life and the blessings I was graced with. And as I have always felt this way, my current choice of reading material has just ellaborated this feeling over and over again for me. Its a book of hope. Its called Anti-Cancer: A Way of Life. I'm in love with it, because though it tells a story or disease and havoc it also tells a story (a non-fiction one) of power, knowledge, control, and HOPE. I have cancer, we ALL have cancer cells in our bodies, its just that some of our bodies do a better job of keeping those cells in check. I know someone who does currently have cancer. I plan to share this book with her. But right now I want to share it with you (whoever you are...if there are any you's out there reading this). I just want to share the message mainly. Its just what I said before. First, negative thoughts can KILL you!!! Try to be positive because there truly is always someone worse off than you. And the rest of the message is somewhat scientific, it talks about how to eat and how to live to use your body's immune system to its FULLEST potential. Our bodies were designed to fight off cancer, its just the Western way of life that has encouraged this cancer epidemic and inhibited our bodies so much they can't do their job. I'm not going to go into it all..I know some will laugh and say whats the point. But the point is that you really do have some say over what happens to you. Life is about choices and sometimes the ones you make can give you more life. I'm trying to raise Ava to know this and live this. I want her to eat healthy not because I want her to be skinny but because I want her to BE healthy and live her life to its fullest. I refuse to pump her full of these chemicals that are in so many foods today. If it was up to me, Kenny and I would move somewhere and have our own farm and grow all of our own food, even the meat! But I'd have to find someone else to be the butcher because I just can't (won't....I CAN do anything) do that. But I'm going to work with what I have right now and try to give Ava all the tools to live her life to its greatest potential (no matter what she chooses to do with it) and hope and pray that she thanks me for it one day.
I know some of you are bored or laughing at me right now but that is ok. If you are a reader I encourage you to read the book, I'm not even half way through yet and I am already inspired. The author is just confirming what I already believed. Having "bad genes" is no longer an excuse for anyone.

Not To Worry, because the Bible Tells Me So

I have long been thinking about getting my heart back in church. It has always been with God, He has shown himself in my life too many times for me to ignore or rationalize Him out. But the past few months He has been knocking, no...pounding at my heart's door via my friends and some family members and His voice has been in my head just telling me to come back to church and surround myself with the things (so to speak) that matter. So finally, last Sunday I was at the computer and noticed the time and thought to myself, I can make it to the 11am service I have plenty of time. So I did. I invited Kenny but he declined, I hadnt given him enough notice....or maybe he just hasn't been moved yet. But I squeazed Ava into a 6 month dress (surprisingly I didnt let THAT become and excuse why I couldnt go) and her and I went on to Port City Community Church. I got there early enough to check her in to their amazing childrens center called the Grow Zone and I took my seat beside a stranger in the auditorium. The service that Sunday was directed toward Jumping In in your church and getting involed but there was a message...it was that everyone has a different walk with Christ but each person can illuminate their walk by various things. I left feeling good, proud even, of myself for finally going and I was secretly praying to myself that I could manage to come back next Sunday, with or without Kenny. So the weekend rolled around...Ava's first birthday party took up MOST of my energy on Saturday and I collapsed while watching a movie with Kenny and I NEVER fall asleep watching TV. Then Sunday morning rolled around and Ava woke me up at 7am. Normally I can stall her until 7:30 but this morning the voice in my head was louder and said just get up now...you need all the time you can get to make it to the 9am service and if you want Kenny to go, you better get up. So I did. I miraculously found something to wear...THAT FIT...for the second time and was blessed to have a BUNCH of pretty dresses for Ava to wear curtousy of her Nanna and Papa for her birthday. So off we went again...without Kenny...to Porty City Community Church. (Kenny was actually going to try to go but I could see all the things he had to do that day were in his head and he kept saying he would go but once he got home he would have so many things to do that I'd probably not see him the rest of the day....I told him not to go because I was forcing him and if all he was gonna do was worry about stuff the whole time he was there then to just stay home so I could concentrate on the message and not how uncomfortable he was. I wasn't mad, just sad. I just want him to WANT to go. And I don't want church to be this thing that just interrupts his day. So I will keep praying for him.)
So after Ava was checked in I met my friend Liz (who has been instrumental in helping me come back to church) and we sat together in service. The minute the Pastor starting talking I knew God had carried me to this service himself because the topic was WORRY. And boy do I worry..all the time about everything. I even watched the movie 2012 and that along with all the earthquakes we have been having these last few months had my mind spinning and me terrified, seriously. I think I get it from my parents because my Dad is a worrier and my Mom seems to have a fear of natural disaster type things so I came by it honestly. But the Pastor restored in me something I already knew. And its best explained by of course, The Bible. Matthew 6:25-27 "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?" AND Matthew 6:34 "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
As I sat there watching him illustrate his point by carrying a HUGE Earth ball around in his hands that was blocking his view (which in turn means worry blocks out our view of God) I was thinking you know he is so right! Carring about something and worrying are TWO totally different things. If you care about something you pray about it you dont rack your brain and body trying to "solve" it or rationalize it yourself, because its not yours to do that, its God's, its ALL God's, we are God's and he is in control so why worry? If you worry you are discrediting Him. Yes its hard for some people to feel out of control and that is what causes worry but who better to have driving your bus than God? We should all view uncertainty as OPPORTUNITY...for something better. Uncertainty does not always mean doom and gloom but for some reason so many people see it that way. I understand worry more now than ever because of Ava. Now I know how my Daddy felt all those times he asked me to call when I got there or when I had a fever or fell or didn't come home before dark and he had to call for me through the neighborhood (knowing him he probably thought I had been kidnapped, seriously). But to worry is to make God irrelevent. And He is not, He is the most, should be the most, REVELENT thing in our lives. I am praying to God that Ava will be a happy healthy baby, then little girl then young lady then mother herself one day and that I can do her justice and raise her to be a good person and a person to love other people and be compassionate and carring and thoughtful. I know she will find her own way in life and I have promised to support her no matter what, like God supports us. So I will not worry, I will PRAY and TRUST GOD. A song came on the radio on the way to church and it struck Ava so much she starts dancing in her car seat...the words went something like this "Walk on Faith, Trust in Love" (its a country/christian mix I believe) and that song struck a cord in me too, it was played just for me to get my head and heart in the right place to recieve the message God had for me that day. And thank the LORD above it has carried over into today...because I woke up to news that yet another earthquake has hit in Turkey....in my "need to know why, need a logical reason" brain (which I also got from my father) all these earthquakes are connected (I even researched tectonic plates and earthquakes). That sparks the impulse to worry but I have to talk myself down and let God takeover me and reasure me that even if they are connected...and even if something does happen...its in HIS control and He will take care of me and my world because He does have the whole world in his hands. So my attitude (attitude is everything) is that we only have each day, in itself, and we should embrace every single second, not because of worry, but because its life...it IS what life is about. By embracing your life, you can appreciate it and give thanks to God and He will inspire you to do His work and share His love. So now I am going to share this beautiful day with my precious little girl and one of my very best friends who is in town. And I want everyone to remember..."uncertainty can mean opportunity."

Sooner Than Later

About a week ago we tried to get her to play with this toy "correctly" and she decided she didnt want to. Well a couple nights ago she decided she wanted to and just stood up and grabbed it and went to town...
She will be walking sooner than later as you will see.

Merry Frist Christmas

Well Christmas has come and gone..and Ava had a great first one. Between Us, My parents and Kenny's parents...she is one spoiled ROTTEN little baby girl. I do believe she has EVERY toy in Target and Walmart, however she still seems to find my old insurance card more interesting than anything, go figure. But Santa also brought her new tooth for Christmas! Its one of her canines, she now has 4. It honestly didn't seem to bother her too much. She is actually more fussy today than she has been in a while.
But this past month has been FULL of new things for her. She has learned to hold her bottle (while laying down still) and feed herself with her two fingers, she is holding on to everything and walking, saying Ma-ma, Da-da, Pa-pa, and Na-na although she isnt sure of what she says yet. It comes out at random times :-) She has also mastered putting herself to sleep. Now when she is tired I can just lay her down and she will usually just fall asleep, sometimes she will fuss but not for long. Usually at night she is the best, she knows when she is tired and she will go to sleep like a good girl. Its amazing, and it didn't take that long for her to learn. I'm glad we decided to do that. I struggled with it because so many people have strong opinions against "crying it out". But she is almost 10 months old now and I believe she should learn how to go to sleep on her own. I don't want to have to rock her to sleep when she is 2 and 3 years old. Kenny wasn't too happy with it, he had a hard time (he sat on the stairs and I thought HE would cry listening to her cry) but he eventually came around and is glad we did it too. He still has trouble when she does fuss a little though.
I can't wait to see what she learns over the next few months. Its hard to believe she will be walking soon!
Here are some pictures from Christmas.